shouldn't be anything offensive. just some cunt bitching about her life. but, still,
what is it the edgelords say? “don’t like, don’t read”? yeah, that...
i’m tired, stretched thin. i’ve picked too much stuff to do this year with college and work and everything. not eating properly, just convenience foods and i can’t tell if I’m thinner, bloated, bigger. I don’t own a scale and I’m not going the pharmacy just to weigh myself. that’s a humiliation ritual and is also likely to set my off on another whole ed shit.
started painting my nails again so i stop biting them but i’m just biting the polish off. my hair is a mess, my eyebags pronounced. i look like i haven’t been eating or sleeping well because i’ve not been. my supervisor asked me earlier if i was okay because i was so jittery and out of it and i didn’t have anything to say in response.
mom’s coming into state friday for two days to see me. we’re going to go for dinner and maybe a museum in the neighbouring city. she knows i don’t like this city and haunt the same couple streets and places (the cinema, mall, college library) so thinks change will do me good. fucking stupid if you ask me…
the guy i lost my virginity to about four weeks ago is texting me. i don’t want anything to do with him. sure, he ate me out, but if i didn’t feel scared i wouldn’t have let him and then he tried to choke me in my shower? i was so bruised after, and it wasn’t even enjoyable. for most of it I just laid there thinking about whatever film it was i’d watched the night before making the right noises when he needed to hear it. he called me the wrong name too. i went on a pseudo-quasi-date with him a week later and he just bored me while in conversation. i think i’m just going to ghost him. well... that’s all.
hot water to help swallow peppermint oil capsule, bursts the capsule, makes me cough up mint leaves for three hours.
luck comes around to die here. decided i’m modelling myself on spike and astarion and david and all over blond vampires and their progenitor billy idol. i’m going to start saving to go to the salon to bleach my hair. black to white. rip my follicles. i need to get outside of myself. the alternative is to go way more femme than i am. but i am sick of dudes flirting with me and that (my femmeness) is why they think they can. how self-centred of me. wish more lesbians took an interest. i think lesbianism might save me.
i hate everything i’ve been recently and that is the stress talking but it doesn’t negate it. going to store to get some food. fuck my fucking life.
i’m writing in my shower. the shower isn’t on but that’s so not the point. it’s a change of pace. different from my bed, my desk, the floor, the kitchen table, the several libraries of my college. been to some socials the last couple of weeks, thank god. going out again friday after a week of gruelling work, yay!
listening to music from persona. i wish i could pick one of them up again but i have no motivation to. baldur’s gate has such a chokehold over me, even now. finished buffy again, going straight into angel series five. i fucking hate that character though. angel… i like when he’s a guest on buffy and is playing the jealous ex card but nothing more. they should have given oz a spinoff not that cunt.
last week, i took a trip down to the waterfront. i made a trip out of it. that makes it noteworthy. i listened to the bright eyes and the new releases from fka twigs and ethel cain and, when i arrived, the rushing water. i ate at some vietnamese place, a rice bowl of some kind and did some shopping. other than a refill on my eyeshadow, mac scene gray, i bought nothing. i discovered a nice used bookstore but the only thing i’d have gotten was $10 more than i would pay so i left empty handed.
whenever i ride the subway at the minute, i put a sinatra lp on and listen front to back. in winter it’s adult standard, big band, swing and jazz, crooner lockdown. i hate christmas music unless classical or carols so that is what i listen to instead. next week i’ll move onto another artist but i’m deeply in love with sinatra’s voice. sings for only the lonely (1958) and in the wee small hours (1955) are probably my favorite of his i’ve listened to in their entirety so far.
otherwise, my habits are much like they have been. i’m doggedly continuing on with angel (forgot how wonderful darla is in this show), searching for fanfiction on elysium fields that caters to my very specific interests and perversions to little success, trying to quit smoking all the while encouraging my friends who vape to switch to proper cigarettes, avoiding my roommates, spending hours in the library, asking girls to coffee and getting rejected, watching films late at night, shirking responsibilities of cooking full well balanced meals. what a fulfilling way to spend a life. got a concert next weekend to look forward to at least. thank god. some excitement. well, that’s all there is to tell.
november is leaving us behind. can you believe it? it passes faster each year. i think in part that is because of christmas creep. the city has its big trees up in all the usual places. windows dressed up like they’re on their way to a girls night out. even the halal delicatessen near me has MERRY XMAS in its window. at least thanksgiving is over with. i've never liked that holiday.
my very dull life is continuing on. a cycle of study, socialise, work, sleep, work, class, study, socialise, rinse, repeat, etc, etc. i feel like i'm often looking at my own life from above. i'm not sure if that's introspection or dissociation. perhaps both.
i gave up on angel. again. i hate how charisma is treated and david boreanaz cannot act. it’s why it takes me so long even get to a rewatch in the first place. i've decided to watch sex and the city instead. it gives me a bit of hope for my future, seeing women like them. i feel a lot of pressure to be a young, hot, successful, put-together woman, but that just isn't attainable for me right now. i am doing small acts to get there but i'm not rich/self-centered enough to be that woman.
i've managed to convince my friends to come to some slam poetry event with me mid next week and a newer friend to see conclave with me my next evening off after that, whenever that is. hopefully i can begin to merge my two college friend groups over a board game night in a couple of weeks. weekend plans are just for me to meal prep as i've been a very good girl and deep cleaned my apartment so i can actually have proper meals after work rather than snacking during my smoke breaks. imagine, a fridge shelf with fresh vegetables, marinating tofu, homemade pickles and side dishes prepared in tupperware boxes... well, a girl can dream.