2026/02/21

hello from 2026. life's been moving pretty fast. i tried to follow ferris' advice and look around but it seems much has passed me by.

got let go from my job, was unemployed for three months and denied by welfare. however, i got a new job which i'm still with. it pays okay and i have good coworkers. yes, it is in person. my agoraphobia is no longer ruling my life. no, i didn't find a therapist. i go to work in person like i’m prosaic, i take salads i found the recipes of on the new york times food blog in tupperware with matching lids and i wear modest boho skirts i buy from the hippie store. i love that store. it smells like really cheap, awful patchouli incense but is full of deadstock decorations from the 1990s. it is the most magical place on earth.

i've become basic in many ways: i’ve got into matcha, bought skincare i don't use on yesstyle, liked that sombr song 'back to friends'. i watched heated rivalry and loved it. well, i loved the characters. i couldn't stand the dialogue. i've never related more to a character than i have shane (autism) and still i wish i was more like shane (a man).

fanfiction has become my saving grace again. i was given a work laptop and, whenever i have a quiet moment, i sit and read. i need to update my list of recommendations. i need to update much of this website.

i've sworn off romantic love forever. hinge is full of men who creep me out and bumble is that same dating pool using different pictures. trying to use those apps to find friends is impossible to. i'm trying to be less fearful of sex. i'm not getting very far with that.

i’m still dreaming of having a put-together metropolitan life. i feel like i'm languishing at my parents' home. i keep store-bought kimchi in the back of the fridge when i used to make pickles. i'm not allowed to bake. i keep chocolate hidden in my bedside cabinet like it's a sex toy. i feel like i'm in high school again with curfew. i feel like i'm regressing. even my herb garden dying because of the weather feels like a fuckin metaphor. i’m holding onto this job for as long as i can, minimum eighteen months before i’m going to pack it up and move to a city again. i’m considering montreal, berlin, prague, portland, dublin, sapporo somewhere far away to start again.

i saw chungking express in the cinema last year. they rereleased it. it was kind of revolutionary to me. it was the same kind of experience as challengers was where i was completely spellbound. instead of rubbing my thighs together, perched on the edge of my chair as i was doing during challengers, it was that i could be seen in film. that it was possible to go somewhere big and find connection in isolation. that was kind of freeing to me. maybe i should get a buzzcut next.

oh man, i hope you really get out soon

2026.03.02

do you ever stop feeling like that wounded fourteen-year-old? while out on tuesday last week, i saw two boys and they brought me back to myself as a teen. all my friends were like them: that outcast who didn’t understand hygiene or how to not be running their mouths but spoke film or anime like a second language.

there’s a boy that works at the second-hand game store who always has his uniform shirt unbuttoned so you can see his band shirts. last time i was in it was korn. he’s the kinda guy i would have known in high school.

i shared a desk with this rich girl (her dad owned a factory or something) for chemistry and i remember she turned to me once saying you’re cool but you spend too much time with the smellies so we can’t be friends. cool meant you used people. that’s what social capital was. or maybe that’s how i understood/understand it. maybe that’s a broken way of looking at things.

i was such a stereotype. deep into true crime, browsing forums i shouldn’t have really have known about, dress coded for my around the fur shirt, daydreaming on either how i’d enact my revenge on everyone who wronged me or how my funeral would play out following my oh-so tragic suicide.

i thought these thoughts were scarred over but i guess i was wrong. i keep scratching at them.

taking it all the right way
never no turning back

2026.03.07

i’ve been drinking a lot of japanese green tea recently. specifically gyokuro. it’s another one of my health kicks. i get them. same with phases where i’m super into film and music. trying to be more cultured. i’m in one of those too.

i rewatched the dirties recently as that was a favorite in high school and have been slowly making my way through all of the films mentioned and referenced in that. also i’ve been listening to a lot of david bowie. i need to rewatch labyrinth and the man who fell to earth.