2025/05/19

i feel i am an utterly stagnant, unchanging thing at the moment. wiling away the time by wishing i was a vampire in the lost boys. my old entries are archived as of now.

recent developments: had a haircut. my hair is chin-length now. so utterly lulu. i’m job-hunting after quitting my waitressing gig in february/march to focus on college. you can’t last long with no job these days. i’m also looking for a therapist and a new apartment (hopefully a roommate for the latter too). both are like pulling teeth, especially since i quit smoking again and am taking my aggro out on the skin around my nails which i now need to heal so i can get a job. what a drag!

i am taking book, film, television, podcast, album, recipe, anything, recommendations at the minute. i need something new and exciting to read, watch, listen to, cook, breathe. variety is the spice of life, and my life is especially bland.

things which are going well in my bland life: my windowsill herb garden is growing lushly, as is the plant i hung off the shower rail. boardgame night has become more intimate again, just us girls*, which is preferred. i’m enjoying dancing in my room again and i feel beautiful and sexy when i do. maybe soon i can go to a show or the club. graduation is soon then i have free reign to live as i deem fit.

i feel quite unwell in my attachment, or rather obsession with, astarion. it feels like it is verging on delusion, but i am not sure. i don’t believe we are meant to be destined lovers or anything but i am at a point where i am constantly thinking about him – he embracing me is what i think about to fall asleep, i watch clips constantly, look at screenshots and so on. i’m harbouring some resentment he isn’t real and cannot care for me i do him. i saw on reddit (yes, yes, i know) this man cosplaying as astarion wearing this corset and i was filled with fury (!!!) that it wasn’t actually him nor was he mine. i’m still cognisant that this is an issue, but i worry for myself if i forget it is. something to raise with a therapist.

i’m going to watch some wonderful chick film in bed later. probably mamma mia or ten things i hate about you or an old musical. anything with singing that is joyfilled. without a song or a dance, what are we? well then, that’s all.