2026/02/21

hello from 2026. life's been moving pretty fast. i tried to follow ferris' advice and look around but it seems much has passed me by.

i got a new job. i was let go from my old one, then was unemployed for a few months and unable to get on welfare. this job is okay. pay isn’t awful and coworkers are polite. it’s in-person. agoraphobia is not ruling my life at this moment. no, i did not go to therapy in the end.

got let go from my job, was unemployed for three months and denied by welfare. however, i got a new job which i'm still with. it pays okay and i have good coworkers. yes, it is in person. my agoraphobia is no longer ruling my life. no, i didn't find a therapist. i go to work in person like i’m prosaic, i take salads i found the recipes of on the new york times food blog in tupperware with matching lids and i wear modest boho skirts i buy from the hippie store. i love that store. it smells like really cheap, awful patchouli incense but is full of deadstock decorations from the 1990s. it is the most magical place on earth.

i've become basic in many ways: i’ve got into matcha, bought skincare i don't use on yesstyle, liked that sombr song 'back to friends'. i watched heated rivalry and loved it. well, i loved the characters. i couldn't stand the dialogue. i've never related more to a character than i have shane (autism) and still i wish i was more like shane (a man).

fanfiction has become my saving grace again. i was given a work laptop and, whenever i have a quiet moment, i sit and read. i need to update my list of recommendations. i need to update much of this website.

i've sworn off romantic love forever. hinge is full of men who creep me out and bumble is that same dating pool using different pictures. trying to use those apps to find friends is impossible to. i'm trying to be less fearful of sex. i'm not getting very far with that.

i’m still dreaming of having a put-together metropolitan life. i feel like i'm languishing at my parents' home. i keep store-bought kimchi in the back of the fridge when i used to make pickles. i'm not allowed to bake. i keep chocolate hidden in my bedside cabinet like it's a sex toy. i feel like i'm in high school again with curfew. i feel like i'm regressing. even my herb garden dying because of the weather feels like a fuckin metaphor. i’m holding onto this job for as long as i can, minimum eighteen months before i’m going to pack it up and move to a city again. i’m considering montreal, berlin, prague, portland, dublin, sapporo somewhere far away to start again.

i saw chungking express in the cinema last year. they rereleased it. it was kind of revolutionary to me. it was the same kind of experience as challengers was where i was completely spellbound. instead of rubbing my thighs together, perched on the edge of my chair as i was doing during challengers, it was that i could be seen in film. that it was possible to go somewhere big and find connection in isolation. that was kind of freeing to me. maybe i should get a buzzcut next.

oh man, i hope you really get out soon